I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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