never play flip cup with pint glasses
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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