You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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