alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
