I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I won the penis lottery.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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