Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
