I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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