Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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