I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
