You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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