i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
