Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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