Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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