i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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