I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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