Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
