oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
