Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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