John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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