forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
