I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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