i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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