I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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