when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
