my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
