Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
