I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
