so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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