You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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