sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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