In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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