i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
