All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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