I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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