My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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