The best revenge is premature balding
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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