You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
