in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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