Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
