Your mouth is God's brothel.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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