I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
