Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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