I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
