There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
