I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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