im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
