My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
