Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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