the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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