found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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