You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
