I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
