dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am naked and annoyed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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