I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
