The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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