Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
