All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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