Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
